When I Told My Daughter About My Abortions

In my twenties, I had three abortions. Before that, I also miscarried from my first pregnancy. The emotional and spiritual healing has been long, sometimes unnoticed, and very very real.

Maybe you’re in the middle of making a decision. Maybe you need healing from a recent loss or you’re in a place in your life where you need to confront hidden issues. I hope this post is an encouragement to you and will direct you to seek the Lord’s comfort and wisdom in your situation.

Recently, I told my daughter about those incidents. Mind you, it wasn’t the sit-down dinner conversation that went along with “how was dance production?” In the course of different conversations, there was an opportunity for me to speak [maybe the better word is “admit”] to things that happened before she was born.

Perhaps in the state of anesthesia from the first procedure, I remember dreaming about a little girl, standing at the doors of the clinic waiting room. I went to get her, and she said, “I’ll see you later, Mommy.” I didn’t have any live children at the time. I saw her as the child that I was letting go through the procedure that I was undergoing at the time. I woke up, sobbing, and ultimately, hyperventilating. The nurses gave me a paper bag to breathe through and told the person picking me up that they had to delay releasing me because I had to get my breathing under control.

Calming down from my grief, in that clinic bed, a nurse gently touched my arm and said, “How did you know it was a girl?” I had no words. Just shook my head slowly and let the tears fall. “You just knew,” she answered. I could barely nod. I turned my head, as if to pull away from the weight and sadness that was in front of me.

Years later, I got the news that I was pregnant (yes, again). I told God, “I’m not running away this time.” He blessed me with a beautiful daughter, who is my only living child. I felt that the child I have now was my second chance from God. I lost the little girl at the doors of the clinic. And this time, I got her back. Even with that blessing, the story is really softened when she said something to me the other night.

“I’m sorry you went through the abortion,” she said. In my auto-pilot mommy strength, I thanked her and sagaciously went on to say that those lives are in God’s hands and He has given me healing from that time. He has changed my mind about abortion and revealed the truth and beauty about unseen life. He gave me Psalm 113:9, which reads, “He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the Lord.” Even though I can’t physically get pregnant anymore, the Lord has given me opportunities to show other children motherly love. I listed names of teenagers in our lives whom we’ve ministered to and encouraged.

Then she counted the would-be siblings out loud and said, “I can’t wait to meet them in heaven.” I think that was probably the greatest comfort of all. To listen to my living child have such faith in God and her home in heaven. To hear her rejoice in the promises of God and to show appreciation for the life we’re living now, despite our hardships and my past mistakes.

Only the Lord could make something precious and new in my memory with the voice of the child that God chose for me. It humbles my heart to know that He wastes no pain. That every dark and careless episode can be turned into an opportunity to glorify Him, to lean on Him, to find out who He is, and that He is greater than my mistakes.

Friend, I know that healing is a hard road. But we’ve got to walk it with the right Guide, and that is Christ. I pray that you can take the first step or the next step in healing from those hard things in your life.

Blessings,
Mahal